he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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