Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
