you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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