Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
