i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
