oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
