apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
