My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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