Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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