We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
