Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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