The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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