Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
