i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
did i walk over a car last night?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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