i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
