I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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