I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
