Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
