I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
