Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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