totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
