so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
