I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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