The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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