My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
