You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
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