What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
