For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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