whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
