just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
