Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
