How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
