u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
