There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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