There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
