so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No subtext here. People are naked.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
