Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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