dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
