So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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