I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
