She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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