walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
