You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
