I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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