apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
