I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
