we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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