Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
