I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
