Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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