Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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