No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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