She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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