someone threw a dead crab at me
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
